fear

Don’t write about me.
You don’t have the heart or the guts or the courage
To persist for very long before you melt
Like plastic in the fire.
I will consume you.
I will destroy you.
You will grow weak and you will grow thin.
I will watch you collapse into yourself.
And I will not give you a second thought.

Don’t write about me.
I’ve let you believe for quite some time
You have me tamed
Under control, nice and neat
Exactly where you want me.
But I am chaos,
And I am proud.
If I please, I will run wild.
I will torment you
Until all will has left your body,
Until your throat is too dry to scream,
And you are just a thread.

Don’t write about me.
You don’t have the words
So the sensations,
They will seep from your face,
A nice, slow stream at first
But they will change to roaring waters.
Before you know it, you’ll be drowning.
They will sprout from your stomach,
Little seedlings, small and delicate,
Full of promise.
But they will grow into tangled vines,
Strong and wicked.
And they will grab you by the wrists and by the ankles,
And they will tear you limb by limb.

Don’t write about me.
Let me sit under your skin
Like I have since you were young,
Taking me with you where you went,
Me always humming, never gone.
A parasitic symbiosis.
Don’t you summon me or I will come.
I will emerge and I will conquer.
I will stomp and I will crush you.
Unrelenting, unforgiving.
You will lie crumpled at my feet.
Mostly nothing, hardly there.
A more miserable existence.

Don’t write about me.
I am your master, you are not mine.
You’d like to think it opposite,
But any fences, any locks, and any walls
You’ve used to keep me out
I’ve mercifully let you have–
A false sense of stability.
It’s done you well, but do not tempt me.
I am cruel and I am vicious.
And you will wish
You’d let me be.

Don’t write about me.
I am greedy and I am hungry.
Bottomless and boundless,
I will swallow you whole.
I will lick my lips and ask for more
And more and more
Until you have nothing left to give,
Until you have nothing left to be
But haunted.

Don’t write about me.
I will shatter every light you’ve ever witnessed
And blow out every star.
I will hunt you in a darkness
Blacker than you could describe.
I will grab you by the heart
As its beat grow loud and rapid.
I will shake it as I speak every nightmare that’s laid dormant into life
Right before your wide eyes.
They will be vivid and they will be graphic.
They will stain your retinas with their smiles.
Forever circling you as we dance,
Their movements unpredictable and violent.
And you will never dream again.

Don’t write about me.

Please.

bygones be bygones

When I was a girl
You sat high on my shelf
You were pretty, weren’t you?
Though I was too small to take you down
But I told all my friends about how
Shiny you were.
But when I got older
And tall enough to reach you
You went missing
So I grew colder.

But then.

I saw the sun peaking through the clouds.
I heard you coming up the stairs.
I felt the beating as my heart thawed.
I tried to whisper, “Are you really there?”
But I didn’t make a sound.

Oh, but what does it matter anyhow?

C’mon, let’s let bygones by gones
And I won’t ask why you were gone
Because my soul, how it leapt
At the slightest glimpse
Besides, if every road I take’s
Going to lead me to you anyway
Then I’ll stay, I’ll stay, I’ll stay
My Lord
And I won’t ask you where you went anymore.

Not that it matters, but just so you know
Every once in a while
I’d find myself picking up the phone to dial
You only to to realized I’d forgotten the number
So I’d try to drive by
Just to see if you were home
But lose my way in neighborhoods
Familiar perhaps only by the power of suggestion
Losing steam, fearing I wouldn’t
Have the will to make it home
Wondering, will somebody let me inside?

It’s behind us now, of course, so

C’mon, let’s let bygones by gones
And I won’t ask why you were gone
Because my soul, how it leapt
At the slightest glimpse
Besides, if every road I take’s
Going to lead me to you anyway
Then I’ll stay, I’ll stay, I’ll stay
My Lord
And I won’t ask you where you went anymore.

Though I will say

The rust, it ate away at me
Though it was not kind enough to do so completely
The sculpture on your front lawn
Is nothing like it use to be
Do you see it?
Do you mind?
Don’t you mind that I dragged myself
Through every street with shoes, not waterproof
Trudging through the puddles
Because I had nothing left to lose
Wanting someone to tell me
How it could have rained so long
Without a flood to overcome
Me and sweep me away?

The sun’s out now, so it’s fine
It’s just I begged for your eyes
To even flicker in my direction
But there was nothing
So can you explain now that you’re here
How to make this equation make sense again?

I want to let bygones be bygones
I want stop singing those sad songs
I want all sweet and no bitter
All faith and no quiver
All bloom and no wither
But my soul persists, Why weren’t you with her?

 

 

i don’t want you to go

You startled me from my sleep last night
When you spoke my name.
You weren’t really there; it was all in my head.
But even so I lied awake,
My stomach churning at the thought,
My heart wincing at the ache
Of knowing full well that there will be a day
When everything will be different,
When you’ll have left me all alone
And it won’t matter how hard I strain
I won’t be able to recall
The way your voice sounds on the phone

I’m going to miss you
Like flowers miss the rain
That never fell but only passed
By overhead in clouds a promising grey.
I’m going to wish you
Were here with the same
Ferocity with which a mother wants her baby back
When someone’s gone and stolen him away.
Because I love being with you
Like my brother used to love watching trains,
Counting the cars as we sat by the tracks.
I could sit by you forever, memorizing your face.

Because my oh my, you’re warmer than summertime,
Cruising through small towns with all the windows down,
Waving at every person I meet.
Friend, it’s no lie: you’re brighter than the sunrise,
Peaking through the trees, shining just for me
Like some marvelous secret.

You’re all the words that were ever on the tip of my tongue
Finally coming to me now but at the wrong time.
You’re all the dreams I hated waking up from,
All the hunches I had that turned out right.
You make me distressed in the most peaceful of ways,
Bring me the happiest sadness I’ve ever had to face.
You tie my insides in knots but you set my mind free
You make my heart heavy because my soul can finally breathe,

But I know you’ve never been and never will be quite mine
You’ll only stand near enough for me to feel almost at home
And it’s stupid, but I keep hoping and fearing you’ll see it in my eyes
I don’t want you to go.

I don’t want you to go.

avalanche in my soul

Last night before I fell asleep,
I dreamed of brightly painted toenails
Barefoot in green, summer grass;
A spark in my eye and dirt on my hands.
I felt fresh air in my lungs,
My own words on my tongue.

I dreamed of running til my scrawny legs collapsed
Cause every field was complete without a fence;
Of tipping my hat at the past as it passed
And meeting the future with the thrill of a first kiss.

I dreamed of thousands of flowers always in bloom;
Staying up late to fall in love with the man on the moon,
The kind of head over heels you don’t recover from,
The sort of knowledge you don’t need to touch
To be certain is true.
Last night I got the faintest taste
Of a hope that makes you new.

I dreamed of climbing trees to the top,
Never being worried for a second I’d fall.
I imagined long, enchanting stares with our God,
The ones that make you feel suddenly small
And invincible all at the same time.
I laughed until my stomach hurt,
And you can be absolutely sure
I never colored in one single stupid line.

I woke up wondering what it’d be like to not live
Attached to cement anchors, trapped in black and white walls,
With doors firmly shut and windows with bars on them,
Paralyzed with nameless, shapeless fears.
You see, last night I got a glimpse of freedom
And ever since I can’t stop thinking
That there’s a place I belong, but that place isn’t here.

I know you’re worried,
That I’m coming unglued,
But trying to make my heart
Recite answers it isn’t sure are true–
Well, it’s like going out dancing with
Feet too big for my shoes;
It’s like singing a song
When I can’t remember the tune.

Sometimes I feel like I’m
Caking on layers of make up
In a sloppy attempt to
Cover up the freckles on my nose;
Or trying to go swimming in a pond
When all the water’s froze.
It isn’t a terrible amount of fun,
And all I end up as is cold

The pain hits me in the pit of my stomach
When I see it in your eyes
You’re trying but you don’t recognize
Me like you once did.
I would be a liar if I said
That I even know who’s there when I look in the mirror.
But what if it’s not supposed to be crystal clear
At only 21 years old?
What if I didn’t spend so much of my life
Fretting over your fears of my reflection
And spent more of it inspecting
The avalanche of dreams that’s begun in my soul?

If I did, do you think I’d find my way home?

belief

She looked at me and told me,
“It’s going to be okay.”
She said it with such conviction,
The kind that’s hard to look away from.
I almost kind of sort of believed her.
I wanted to believer her.
Because when I looked in her eyes,
I could tell I was in the presence of a soul who knew.
I saw that she was somehow part of me.
I wanted to reach out and touch her skin,
And ask her if I’d ever arrive
At some sort of truth.

But she was gone.

Or maybe I left.
All that I can be certain of
Is I am walking unaccompanied,
Utterly and entirely alone.
The world is still.
No one is out this evening,
Although perhaps some are snuggled up
In their homes, safe and warm.

It’s been a long time since I felt safe and warm.

I see my breath right in front of me.
What was once such an intimate,
Sustaining part of me
Now hangs in the air for a brief moment,
Then disappears.
And I get uneasy thinking,
What if someday it’s you?

What if someday I discover the confidant
Who I kept close for warmth at night
Is now an old friend at best,
Familiar but far away?
What if a once intricate piece to my puzzle
Becomes irrelevant,
My melody background noise?
What if I find my muse
Lies somewhere, abandoned,
Forgotten under a pile of dirty clothes–

Do you keep secrets from me?

Because the idea
Has me nervously pulling
At the threads in my coat
(It’s coming unraveled,
And I’m suddenly bone-chilling cold.)

I can’t play games here.

I don’t have it in me.
And I wish you would answer me
When I ask,
What do you have to gain
From being so elusive?
What do you want from me?
What do you expect me to see?
I’m too ill-equipped
For a hunt like this,
Too wary to sort through your clues.

I’m baffled when they speak of you
With confidence loud as thunder,
Trekking far and wide, without looking back.
I can barely stand on my own two feet
And muster up a shaky whisper.

If only I could tear open my chest
And search through myself
Until I find it and can say I have it in me.

Until I know what it’s like to hold it in my own hands:

belief.

i’ll stop trying to make you laugh

The car crashes under a beautiful sunset
Lightning flashes, I see your silhouette
Strong and handsome as ever, standing where it’s always been.

When I first laid eyes on you
I was charmed
But that didn’t last long
Even then, from the time I first saw you as you are
I wanted to believe you’d come around
I marvel at how a body so warm
Could host a heart so cold
Yet I’ve always thought someday my love would thaw it
So I ignored every time that I heard
“You could do so much better”

I can’t hold it together
With you
I’m either head over heels
Or I’m falling to pieces
Because when I’m seeing stars in your eyes
You’re busy looking in the mirror
(Only a man who sees no one else
Always does what he pleases)

I scream, Don’t bother coming home!
But I leave every door unlocked
And torture myself, waiting up to watch
The shutters rattle as the storm blows in
Every time you break my heart
It feels like the end
(It never is.)

I don’t know a poetic way to say that
All I ever really wanted was for you to want to be a part of my life.
But you’re came into by accident, and you don’t even care.

safe

With all this clutter in my brain,
can’t follow an idea straight.
Found myself the involuntary
conductor on this train of thought
I terrified will never stop.
I just wanna run through fields of freedom
and take in breaths of carelessness
like I did when we first met.

I’m both the aimless archer
and the arrow,
shot without a target
flying fast with no direction,
where up is down and left is right,
and I’m too on edge to sleep at night.
I just want to rest my head in peace
and give myself away completely to my dreams
like I did when you were next to me.

I stood and watched the lightning strike
the great, big oak that I once climbed
to view my world as if I were a giant.
I was paralyzed and mesmerized,
and never felt so small, you know,
as your mighty flood waters rose.

My mind is treading water
while my heart stands on the coast,
dreaming of lands I don’t know.
Yet somehow I am on the sea,
my soul a ship ever slow and steady,
I see you now, at the captain’s wheel.
There I exclaim, “What are you doing here?”
You retort “If I’d have let you wait til you were ready
you would have never left the shore!”
I love you, but when I sought this journey
it never crossed my mind that it could be so lonely.

‘Cause I could never relax in the shades of gray of those around
But I can’t be happy seeing things in black and white.
So you’re training my eyes to see in colors.
And I can’t help but wonder:
How can something at the same time
be so beautiful and yet so painful?

That’s what you are.
You’re excruciatingly fascinating!
And fascinatingly excruciating!
Give me a moment to catch my breath,
you who’s much too much for me!
You effortlessly steal my heart–a thief!
And yet I know it somehow:

I’m more safe than ever before.