one day i looked down and there were holes in my pocket of belief

The Spirit said to write down my questions and these come out:

How do I know the Bible is reliable? What about the Gospels?
How is it fair that people get sent to Hell for being cursed by something Adam and Eve did?
Am I going to be isolated from everyone and everything not Christian if I follow Christ?
What is following Christ and what is just White Christian culture? How do I tell the difference?
What is the church anyway really?
How do I follow Christ without anxiety and loneliness and depression?
How is anybody supposed to wholly find the truth?
How much of the Bible is literal?
How is the Bible different from any other religious text?
What do I do with myself in the middle of this searching?
Am I going to Hell for doubting and and asking questions and feeling angry?
With whom am I supposed to go through this? Most Christians pity and/or worry about me but most nonspiritual people I know don’t seem to seek the truth enough to care. Am I going to spend my whole life alone in this sense?
What is good? What is evil?
What am I supposed to do with my life?
Why don’t I want to submit to God?
What is it so impossible for me to trust people when it comes to God?

***

And then this:

You have to make a choice: You either consciously choose to love what is good and submit to it. Or you choose to admit that while you might appreciate what is good, you don’t actually give a rat’s ass about it, and walk away not caring. It’s like there’s no in between.
Everyone tries to live like there is, but I can’t do that. I want to but it’s impossible for me to find any sort of rest in doing so. IT SUCKS.
I want Truth but I don’t want to have to answer for how I respond to that knowledge of Truth.
I resent everyone who looks down their noses (in pity or self-righteousness) at anyone whose beliefs aren’t a carbon copy of theirs. And while they look down their noses, go about making assertions about God and truth and the Bible. Especially when the ones looking down their noses have never stepped outside their own spiritual bubble, never questioned, never explored, never put their ear to earth and listened. So what do they even know for themselves besides what someone else told them? What do I even know?
I resent it so much. And I hate the fact that they had turned me into one of them before I had the ability to notice. Leave me alone. Stop trying to control me.
Because I can’t listen to you and hear the earth’s breath. And I want to hear that breath so badly.
What does it tell me? What is true and good and holy? And is there hope for me? What am I to make of all this? What am I to do with my numbered days here? Is there more than this? There must be! But what? How do I escape the suffocating Christianity without losing the I AM, the One who just is?
How do I find freedom and love? Where is God, where is the Good One? Who is He? What does She want? What do His hands feel like?
Will I find Her where the wind blows? In the sky, in the dirt, in my professor’s eyes? In the lonely? Where is He? Is She really this elusive or am I just blind?
Is He vengeful and angry or calm and peaceful?
Or both?
–But how?
Will I find Her in the wind?

I do know a few things.
I know it’s wrong, it’s something mighty injust to have more than enough while others are in need. I know it’s not okay to turn a blind eye on the suffering and oppression of another human.
It’s evil and it’s stupid to live like no one else matters. How do we do it?
How do we witness the hurting of our brother and do nothing?
How do we see the loneliness in our sister’s eyes and turn away?
What is our problem?
What can’t we get our shit together?

Who am I?
What do I want?
What is my fight, my battle?
Is there hope?
What percentage of my life is a lie?
What is a lie? What are the lies?

Oh, Good and Holy One, seek the lies out and set them ablaze, destroy them! I detest them! I don’t want what’s evil; I want what is good and pure and gentle and kind and strong!
And who gives a shit what anybody thinks of me? I don’t trust anybody anyway.
I know the Truth will remain solid. It won’t vanish when I reach out to touch it, like everything else does.

But I’m confused and lost and scared and I don’t know what to believe or think anymore.
I need an anchor for my soul.

Show me what’s right, instruct me! Set my ears to catch Your melody. Teach me to sing Your tune, oh, Good and Perfect One!

Answer my questions! Don’t fill in the cracks. Demolish the whole structure, all of it, and build me anew!

Fill me with belief in Your goodness and wholeness. Let me find peace and rest in submitting to what is true. Don’t let me believe any lie a second longer! Don’t let me hold onto empty beliefs I only have because I’m scared of unfinished doctrine.
Show me! Teach me!
Give me something to live for and I will walk the earth with you all my days.

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