letter to God

Papa,

I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I don’t understand what’s going on with me right now, what’s wrong with me.

Last night I told you I don’t want to be like this, be such a mess. I just want to be one of those radical followers of Yours. You said, “You are.” That perplexed me, but I know not to argue with You.

Today you reminded me of that and said, “Don’t you think I knew you and what you would go through when I asked you to follow me almost four years ago? Or last year when I asked you if you wanted to walk the Earth with me [whatever that means], don’t you think I knew what the future had in store? I did. But I asked you anyway.”

That makes me feel better.

But it’s like I can feel the stress/anxiety/frustration/agitation physically. I want to scream. I want to run and never stop, but I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I can’t breathe.

Earlier this week you led me to this song “Need You Now” by Plumb:

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell. And everybody’s got a wound to be healed. I want to believe there’s beauty here. ‘Cause, oh, I get so tired of holding on. I can’t let go, I can’t move on. I want to believe there’s meaning here.

How many times have You heard me cry out, “God, please take this!” And how many times have You given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need You. God, I need You now.

Standing on a road I didn’t plan, wondering how I got to where I am. I’m trying to hear that still, small voice. I’m trying to hear above the noise.

How many times have You heard me cry out, “God, please take this!” And how many times have You given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need You. God, I need You now.

Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows–and I, I am so afraid–please stay, please stay right beside me with every single step I take.

How many times have You heard me cry out? And how many time have you given me strength?

I wish You would take me, end this.

Last night You gave me the strength to just keep breathing, but how long will it be before I will have strength for more than that? I can’t do this for much longer.

Papa, I love You.

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